Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
