foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
