I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
