You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
