Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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