the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
