I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
