M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
