You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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