On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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