When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
