I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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