Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
