I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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