ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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