don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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