It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
