hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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