I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
