Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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