Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
