We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
