Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
