I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
