On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
