Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
