Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
