Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
