Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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