Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
