I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
