I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
