Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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