I CAN MOONWALK!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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