I need to stop coming to work sober
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
