He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
