i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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