I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
