my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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