she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think I won the penis lottery.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
