i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
