I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
