Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
