I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
