I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS