I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
