God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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