Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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