Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
