When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
