why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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