i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
