I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
