Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
