hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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