I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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