that's an acceptable place to lick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
