Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
