he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
