Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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