I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
