after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
