does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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