Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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