we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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