I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize